I Am My Mothers Daughter

It is what it is

I Am My Mothers Daughter

Who am I? Where did I come from?

I found out at the age 11 that my sister brother and myself had different fathers, well I had a different father they had the same. Yet my brothers father didn’t believe him to be his, he didn’t s sign his birth certificate but did mine.

I was born believing one man was my father the whole while, wasn’t. Knowing that I had a different father devastated me in so many ways.

#1. I had a man that contributed to my exsistance who lives in the same town I had grown up in, yet never made it a point to be in my life.

#.2 Why me.. of everything from finding a dead corpse at the age of 6 up until this point at the time I didn’t understand why it felt as if I were being punished and that I didn’t deserve anything meaningful or good in my life.

My sperm donor and his family had known about me since I was conceived and ironically the wife ( who happens to be an ordained minister) forbid him to ever have contact with me, so I was told.

I guess any woman would be bitter at her mate for having had an affair, but the fact that I didn’t cause this to happen isnt my fault and shouldn’t be taken out on me. For the 2 of them allegedly being God-fearing people I sure as hell can’t tell.

I started to second guess myself, and eventually doubted everything I had believed in. The only way to describe the way I felt was similar to someone is held under water making it that much harder to come up for a gasp of air. Wishing praying and hoping that It was all just a bad dream and that id wake up… yeah well it still hasn’t happened but I will let u know when it comes to pass.. if it happens ever.

What’s done in the Dark comes to the Light

I have been this families secret for 38 years . I guess there was a lot of talk about an illegitimate child but it wasn’t to be spoken of especially around Marteal. The anger this woman feels for me is crazy because I don’t know if she realizes it but I am the only one who has had to suffer tremendously for it and I didn’t ask for any of this. I was literally brought into it and ostracized by my own father but why??

If an affair was the issue she should be taking that up with him and her being an ordained minister should have had enough decency to not fault the child that had no idea the betrayal had taken place. Instead, I am the one being punished for something I had no control over. Where is the Lord in that??

The emotional part of it is what makes or breaks an individual. To be neglected and abandoned by your birth parent, then to be told while your a grown ass adult that he still don’t give a damn and doesn’t want to meet you can really define the thin line between life and death dependent on the individuals state of mind.

I even accepted that back in the day it was a way different era, I even attempted at being open with the possibility that things had to have been critical for him to NEVER attempt to engage with me because of whatever, then having heard his voice and then his wife jumps on the phone before I could get on it, disengaging anything that could have been was the icing on the cake.

Here is the straw that broke the camels back; to have met people he knows and how they put him up on a pedestal, as well as gloat on how much of a family man he is and the most decent human being they know, tends to send volts of anger though my body to say the least.

 

A childhood friend

Then to find out that an old friend of whom I grew up with was my actual blood relative( his great niece) and how ironic is it that she would say the same thing others had, only then realizing for the first time that she sounded stupid for having said it to me.

The fact that here I was, I had grew up poor, standing in lines with my mom for help from the community with food, clothes gifts, ect was the most unforgettable holidays ever, not because of standing in lines but because I knew there was someone else that was supposed to be helping her care for me and how unfair it was that she had to go through this by herself, or that my step father who had already raised his kids and then some was now stuck helping 3 more children.

Don’t get me wrong that man loved us as he did his own, and he was the BEST FATHER as well as friend that many others would vouch to. Wilbur Kinsey will always be my DADDY, Today Tomorrow and Always. R.I.P

 

 

They will reap what they have Sown

Seymore Finney will have to answer to the good Lord as so will his wife Marteal Finney(Green) and her kids too.

being a single parent can be trying and tiring. She wouldn’t stop until she had utilized every resource given to her to make our holidays ones we could never forget.

 

My Heros

From drawing fireplaces with fire, hanging stockings, cookies and milk for santa, had us write letters and took us to post office to mail them off, down to the handmade candy reefs she made for door or house decor will always be remembered, appreciated and now missed greatly

Our Christmas’ were unforgettable because of the love and dedication my mother and dad put into it just for us. As they did everything else.

 

They both did whatever they had to show me that it didn’t matter where we got gifts food or shelter from, they both showed me the independency my mother had had prior to meeting with my pops. The strength to do whatever it took to take care of hers, no matter what!! I strongly embrace and teach my child and or anyone around me how to be self sufficient.

My mother loved us and she made sure the holidays, birthdays as well as any and all celebrations were treated as such. We had what we needed, maybe not always what we wanted but they did their damndest to make sure we had something.

My mother  and father are my heros, role model and best friends. They were gifted unlike anyone I know. They had more soul than anyone iv’e encountered in my years. My mom had a voice of an angel, was an artist in every way there is to be one. From traditional Hawaiian dancing(hula) to ballroom dancing she perfected everything she did.

Drawing, song writing, poetry, creativity you name it my momma was a go getter and there is no one that could EVER take my mommas place, let alone fill her shoes!!!

She instilled in me to always do the right thing and NEVER let anyone go hungry, cause you never know if it will be Jesus and that’s one thing as my child you will never do, and that’s deny him!!

She taught me to give someone the benefit of the doubt and to always help anyone who needs it because a lot of people weren’t as fortunate as we were.

They taught me that shitty things happen to good people, but you got to go through it to learn from it, process it, and to allow it to be your motivation rather than your depression.

She told me to forgive no matter what it was that caused you to hurt, ending it with its for YOU not them, then went into the how’s of it.

I didn’t get it until I started paying attention to her helping the very ones that sought out to attack her, take us from her, or kick her while she was down.

Nothing and I mean nothing kept my mother down, I watched her as she used their cruelty for motivation and how every time she did she achieved more than she sought out to, sometimes surprising herself.

Family values, morals, helping others, advocating for the under dog, respect, loving the Lord, speaking up /fighting for what’s right and most importantly LOVE, is what she gave all three of us, which the value of that is priceless!!

 

I’ve been remade

 

Being able to do that when everything else is stacked against you speaks volumes of your up bringing and shows the strength of that individual, which for many can be an intimidating factor, I see it as envy when one tries so hard to break someone elses spirit.

With all the pain, darkness, sadness, anger, hurt, and being misunderstood my whole life it still surprises me how its just habit to keep it real and is a part of who I am. in the end I always do what is right no matter how bad I would rather retaliate.

She never let poverty define her or us, she never allowed for us to make excuses for anything either.

Truth was #1 from day one, she reiterated it all the time that the truth will set us free, however after my firstborn, my truth is what got my child taken from me at the fresh age of 18. I wanted to be the best mom, and because that is what I was taught and told to do I was being truthful and seeking help from an abusive relationship with kids father, when my truth derailed my life and damn near my existence. Which I will get into next!!

So being poor wasn’t the issue growing up, growing up poor not feeling worthy of ever being loved pushed me to push anyone that had got close to me away. It made me not trust anyone and made me promise myself I would never seek out to find him or ever ask for help again, I mean why would I?

Had he been around maybe I wouldn’t have had to go through the in human and demoralizing things I did go through. Maybe it wouldn’t have mattered but I will never know. I wasn’t given a choice in any of this and now that I have grown up and grown mentally I feel its time to get to the bottom of it.

 

UPDATE as of 2/11/2019

 

So before I was able to publish this I went and spoke to some family and everything my mother had told me is TRUE!!! So be looking for an update on this story cause I promise you there will be one.

Dedicated to my mom Patricia Liliyleialoha Kinsey and my Daddy Wilbur Kinsey.

I did it mom and pops I got to the truth just like you wanted me to!! I love you both and miss you more now than EVER.

A special thanks to my cousin Leslie Kinsey for opening the door last night and to my dear Uncles James Kinsey and Charles Edwards, for always keeping it 100% at all costs. You 2 did for me what no other has been able to do, I can finally move on and get to the bottom of things with a sense of clarity now.

 

2 BE CONTINUED………..

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