When love doesn’t seem enough

It is what it is

When love doesn’t seem enough

That moment when all the parenting classes and seminars seem not to matter

 

I never thought that we would be where we are today. I knew for sure we would be the mother daughter dual for eternity. The harsh reality that it isn’t what I thought it would be or what I wanted it to be. I am far from mother of the year, I do however seek help now whereas in the past (for numerous reasons) I swore to never again do so.

 

Todays blog is about that moment when you realize that all the information, strategies, and solutions in the world go out the door seem to vanish and you instantly feel as if you are lost because, yes you where told that it happens to the best of us, yet you don’t dwell on it because your that certain that will never be you and yours.

 

There isn’t enough, workshops, classes, seminars to ever prepare one for that kind of pain, nor is there anything that can fix it aside from God. One of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with’ is the rejection of my child.

More than Child Support

 

So world here I am asking for a little advice so here it goes:

So this is more of a cry for help than anything else. I have a 17-year-old daughter that was placed back into my custody due to negligence on her fathers side.

 

I made some bad choices, as we all do, but it resulted in me going to prison a second time. My daughter was 9 going on ten.

 

Before becoming incarcerated I had made up my mind that the best place for my daughter to be was with her dad. Mind you I am the only reason why they had contact and I was the only one making sure that she start to build a relationship with h

 

Things where far from great when he and I where together, yet I never tainted his name when speaking about him to child and I never kept her away from him no matter what the reasoning behind him and I no longer being together was.

 

I was on my way to prison (WCCW) I felt confident that my child was in the right place….. I found out 3 years after my incarceration I was wrong!!

 

Due to a fluke, I was informed my child had become a ward of the state…. I freaked out 1 it was almost a full month before I was told and 2 I had only been told because I put in for a child support modification and the mediator had caught me up to what was going on.

 

 

I myself have been a ward of the state and the things that where done to me and sibling was terrifying, life changing and to this day still challenging. From rape to starvation, physical beatings’ isolation and metal anguish I had vowed to never let another child I bore or knew become another statistic in the system.

 

 

By the grace of God my child didn’t endure the sexual abuse she did in fact everything else. From being told she will never be anything, to calling every member in my said family out their names and belittling me at every chance he could my daughter became depressed.

 

I was only 17, he was 13 years my senior

 

What I didn’t say earlier that I am sure y’all got the just of is that he beat me physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally and any other way possible to destroy ones inner love. At the time of our so called relationship I was 17, he 30. I didn’t know it at the time but in time things came out and well lets just say he definitely wasn’t sent from heaven.

 

After having had lost my oldest child and 2nd to death my baby was all I had left and even though he was a control l freak I never imagined that he would do the harm he had to our child.

 

Some say I should have known due to what had happened to me but in all actuality I never for one second thought that he would hurt her.

 

The devil himself, in the flesh

Well folks he did. He beat her and isolated her, belittled her and treated her like lil orphan Annie .

 

Every letter I wrote her while being incarcerated she kept. When I was released I went into an Oxford house so that 1 I had an address to get out to ( that way I wouldn’t have to max out) and 2 I had made the decision to turn my life around and being there at the oxford house would be a major stepping stone to a better future.

 

So I went harder than the paint when it came to my recovery all for him to make it harder to see my daughter.

 

Now when I was sent up I knew that because he was a control freak and pos that I would have to jump through hoops once I got back on the streets because that was the only way or him to have control over me.

 

Just as I had thought he did the very thing I had prayed he wouldn and that was kept my daughter as leverage over me and literally held her hostage to where I couldn’t talk to her without him present and she couldn’t message me or call without it being on speaker.

 

He hit her because she looks identical to me and he blamed her for things she hadn’t done…like talk to me when he wasn’t aware.

 

I had been on my way into work when I received a call from a mediator in family court to find out if I would be willing to mediate rather than go with a judge for the modification of my support order.

 

As I pulled into the parking lot my boss pulled up next to me, without me realizing anyone else was around I carried on the conversation. Devastated by the information I was being given, I hadn’t realized my boss had heard it, and had seen me crying barely able to breathe.

 

He told me to go to where ever it was I had to go to go child as well as to keep them posted. So I got back in my car and left.

May 6th 2014 is when I was informed of my daughters where abouts. I immediately went to the town they where living in to get my daughter. I ended up gaining custody 3 almost 4 years ago now and since then we have been through the most craziest things.

 

Homelessness vs. Hoplessness

 

From co owning a home to being kicked out almost incarcerated and no back up plan I had felt ultimate defeat yet I didn’t give up. For 1, I am not a quitter and 2 my life was in a complete disarray and I knew that so many wanted to see me fail and I refused to give them that satisfaction.

 

So here I am going on four years of full custody and I don’t know what more to do.

 

MY daughter has been through a lot. I understand how she feels and I respect her feelings. Due to the mishaps, sabotage, hate and discontent we are still here, however that is all.

 

I know my kid has resentments against me, I KMOW THAT SHE PROBLEY FEELS AS IF I FAILED HER but what I don’t understand is the lack of respect she has for me.

 

I have done everything from counseling for family, one on ones, reached out to a few acquaintances that are youth advocates and so on but nothing that has been suggested that I have tried did any work.

 

I can be a hard person to talk to but opened up that line of communication with her. I went as far as us writing letters to one another that way ewe didn’t cut each other off. I have tried and I have prayed so now I am bringing it to the community because as it stands she believes it is in our best interest to separate and have some cooling-off time….????

 

I believe she needs to deal with her pain and issues with me and whom ever.

 

I have never made her speak on it I have however pleaded for her to allow me to help and or expressed that I understand but we need to find a solution.

 

She is my life, my world, I need her more than she needs me

 

WE live together yet never do anything. I have offered almost everything under the sun for us to do as a family… its been three years going on 4 and it seems like she is getting settled in this phase and as real as its kept I am scared of losing my baby.

I turned my life around. I am far from perfect and I do make mistakes on a daily basis just as anyone else, i whole heatedly believe I put forth the effort in many ways where she has stood still ….. what do I do???

I have given her room I have given her space it s just real sad knowing the struggles we go through as parents to do what’s best for our kids sometimes seems irrelevant in their eyes.

Thank you for letting me get this off my chest …now can I please get some suggestions. MY next 24 hours depends on it. ( because that’s the amount of time I have given to myself to figure it out.)

 

I feel as if I have lost her and if not I will be…… I live for her, What am I to do???

 

 

Leave a Reply