Purpose of LIFE, neverending lessons

It is what it is

Purpose of LIFE, neverending lessons

FINDING PURPOSE IN LIFE

I found out at the age 11 that my sister, brother and myself had different fathers, well I had a different father they had the same. Yet my brothers father didn’t believe him to be his, he didn’t sign his birth certificate but did mine.

I was born believing one man was my father the whole while, he wasn’t. Knowing that I had a different sperm donor devastated me in so many ways.

 

#1. I had a man that fathered me, lived in the same town I had grown up in, yet never made it a point to be in my life.

 

#.2 Why me? of everything from finding a dead corpse at the age of 6 growing up as a ward of the state, juvy as well as everything else that had taken place in my life between the ages of 6-18 years old, I had come to the conclusion that if it hadn’t been for bad luck I wouldn’t have any luck at all.

I didn’t understand why it felt as if I were being punished and that I didn’t deserve anything meaningful or good in my world.

My sperm donor (biological father) and his family had known about me since I was conceived, yet the wife ( who happens to be an ordained minister) forbid him to ever have contact with me. So he hadn’t.

 

I started to second guess  myself, eventually having doubted everything I had believed in. The only way to describe the way I felt is similar to being held under water with no way of getting to the surface; being paralyzed and stuck in water not able to move your own body. Hoping and praying that It was all just a bad dream and that i’d wake up and it would be over.

 

Whats done in the Dark comes to Light

 

I have been this family’s secret for 38 years .. I guess there was a lot of talk bout an illegitimate child long ago within their family but it wasn’t to be spoken of publically or questioned.

The bitterness this woman feels towards me is baffling. I don’t know if they realize it, but this isn’t my doing nor did I ask for any of this. I was literally brought into the world by my mother and a man that wanted nothing to do with me.

The mental part of it is what makes or breaks an individual,  to be neglected and abandoned by your birth parent from day one, then to be told while your a grown ass adult that he still don’t give a damn and don’t want to meet you broke me to pieces. The individuals that I have come into contact with states that he is father of the century a loving man that provides for his family, is a little hypocritical to me . just saying. BS to say the least.

Meanwhile,as my sperm donor sat comfortably in his home with children not his I stood in lines with my mom for food stamps, going to food banks or in lines getting baskets on Thanksgiving as well as Christmas presents through an agency because we couldn’t afford it, makes my blood boil. Yet my mother was my hero and provided for us NO MATTER WHAT!

 

Feeling of inadequacy

Being Hawaiian and African American was a whole different world one side disowned you because of the color of your skin while the other half of you wanted nothing to do with u. My entire childhood/ teen years I always felt in adequate as if I were not black or islander enough to fit in anywhere. Then when it came to dating the fact that I didn’t know my donors side of the family I refused to date with in my own race for not wanting to get to know someone just to find out they may be blood related. How sick is that!! More importantly how sad is it really.

My mothers mom was prejudice and disowned my mother for having had a mixed (black) child. After the attempt on my older sisters life by one uncle and my moms mom ( hang my sister from a 2 floor balcony on her 6th birthday), my mother fled Oahu with my auntie tutu, auntie linda and auntie dot never looking back, leaving everything she had known as only a bad memory, never to speak on it again, until asked by yours truly for an essay in 5th grade.

 

I’ve yet to meet any other family on my mothers side, with the exception of the ones that came with my mom from Oahu so many years ago.

 

Complete emptiness brought me to see a twinkle of light

To ever have to feel like you aren’t worth anything, you will never amount to anything and you will never be loved the way you should have been is cruel and unusual punishment. I wouldn’t want my enemy to feel that, let alone a child I had helped bring into this world.

Children, no matter what race or where they grew up don’t deserve that type of abuse it is the worst abuse!! Getting through it through trial and error is the only way to go about it, yet not all f us make it out in hopes to help others go through what we had. Everything I have had done to me, played a key roll into molding me into the activist I am today.

 

I have been through about every situation you try to protect your child from and or situations surrounding other circumstances that you try to shelter your child from, I am living proof that you too can get threw it and it is possible to turn things around for yourself, here’s one more brief snippet of a piece of my life that has brought me to where I am today….

 

Who Can I run 2??

 

I was 17 years old when I got with my kids dad, he looked younger than he was bringing him to be 13 years my senior. I was beaten mentally, physically, verbally, emotionally and spiritually for 7 and a half years. My mother and step father moved everytime we did because my mom was afraid that she would get that call from the coroner telling her I was dead. The mental abuse alone could have put anyone else in an insane asylum..

The last time I seen my oldest daughter was when she was 11 months and I was being discharged from Reil house in Yakima, Washington after 6 months of in-patient treatment and a week away from my dependency hearing to place my child back into my custody. Not having had a mentor or someone safe to talk to growing up made my whole outlook on life change.

 

I have large mass’on my brain, the damage that has been done to my head you’d think I was a boxer my entire life and yet here I sit able to tell a story that had me ashamed to show my face due to the hell I was put through.
Everyone that was suppose to protect me didn’t instead they judged me didn’t believe the accusations that were made, making things worse for me, they denied me(father), laughed at me, ridiculed me and called me a liar (at the age of 9 state, police and government officials).

Now the in home nurse that was assigned to me through my mid wife took it upon herself to make sure my daughter was a ward of the state and adopted out before turning 1 years old. The fact that I had reached out to her when she came to do a in home visit(my face busted up from the night before by kids father) seeking help from the situation I was in at the time, did NOTHING to help me….instead she judged me and my family and wrote a 13 page iop on me as to why I was an unfit mother. I was barely 18, having had a juvienille record I was still on probation so my p.o had called my doctors office 2 weeks after I had given birth. My ua came back with a THC level so low it was barely readable and that’s when the nurse took things into her hands to have my child taken from me. I never asked for help again because truth be told it was used against me, shattering my life.

Being young and having your only child(at the time) ripped out of your hands on a technicality, sets the stage for numerous things. What you go through after something like that and the fact you lost it all because someone judged a book by its cover never giving you a chance can make you lose hope and have you thinking about not fighting for life period. But you don’t you keep fighting until they literally take the fight out of you when they terminate your parental rights leaving you to one of the darkest places one can go, for me it was within myself.

My daughter just turned 20 years old. November 8th. I seen her last when she was 11 moths old

 

Now what??

I have often thought what if I would have done this differently or this and or that.. What could have been?? I never thought it at the time because as much as he put his hands on me i knew that there was so much more evil with in him that I believed every word and threat made, it still rings true to me today because I have been a victim of DV and by the grace of God I am here to tell my story.

Ironically Washington State had taken many babies with in the year I had lost mine to the state with no means of knowing where my child went. Then they placed children with adopted parents leaving the biological parents in the dark which they never gave me the opportunity for family placement ruining my life, my child’s life, along with the little bit of innocence I had left thus leaving me with out her. To think it had started with me asking for help out of the violent and unhealthy relationship I was in. There were no grounds for my child being taken … Point blank period.

I found out from a counselor way later in 2003 that the way the state had gone about getting my child (and many other young first time moms) was apart of an adoption quota they had set for themselves back in 1998. executing it deceitfully and manipulatively, more or less they were trafficking babies. I mean think about it isn’t that a form of slavery to buy a child and so many of them. I will get into that a little later in a different post.

In the last three years I went to cps for assistance due to a bad break up leaving us homeless seeking help for shelter and was refused because I hadn’t had an open case with them, matter of fact I had just gained custody of my youngest due to negligence on her fathers end resulting in her becoming a ward of the state.

Because I wasn’t reported by someone and sought help myself they told me I had to send in a disclosure to corporate and await an approval for help. It was in the middle of winter as I was sleeping in my car or storage juggling 4 dogs and a teenager pus two others I had taken in.

With all the resources we have there aren’t any easily available for those who need it in emergency situations. Its crazy how our system really believes they are making A DIFFERENCE for the good, they are making a difference just not in a positive manner, at least that’s my opinion.

Longer story short we the people have a lot of slack to pick up and unmangle. Are you willing to go the distance to making our community safe, prosperous and for the people again??

 

Whats your purpose in life?

What is your Purpose? Do U know? Does anyone Have you ever just sat there and  asked yourself  This question? Well, I would be lying to you if I said I had, done that, because I haven’t. So why did I ask you?? Opening up conversation I guess yet who do u know does that? Weird much?? lol I do. I’m really interested in what one believes their purpose is??

I believe my purpose in life is to help empower our youth,to help guide them in the right direction, by showing them how to become productive members of society and how to believe in them selves. To stand up for what is right and how its never okay to give up, to know everyone makes mistakes; its getting back up and going at it until u figure out what works for u.that matters. making a difference in a f%$#ed up world, one person at at time

Its not what you do its how you do it. What works for some won’t work for others, I just want to be apart of a much needed solution in our town. you know the saying, “everything happens for a reason” it’s true, finding out what that reason is and being open to possibilities of change can be the hardest thing to do. To take one out of their comfort zone so that they may grow then to watch them prosper is priceless and rewarding.

This is why I chose these particular facts to share in this post. It wasn’t and isn’t for pity, it’s to show and prove that messed up things happen to good folk and having someone safe to talk to earlier on could have prevented many things that I had gone through.

Our youth are the future leaders of tomorrow. Through my bad choices, life’s lessons and experience I know how to be that advocate that will go all out for our youth, especially because I was one, I will continue to relate and speak on personal experience because there is always hope as long as you believe in yourself and something greater than yourself.

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I WILL aspire 2 inspire b4 I expire…LOL

The fact that I have been through about ever situation you try to protect your child from and or situations surrounding other circumstances that you try to shelter your child from, I am living proof that you too can get threw it and it is possible to turn things around for yourself.

Helping others lets you stay out of self.. right?

Sometimes its better that way as long as you take care of you at the end of the day. I have had many experiences all to be revealed in time but one thing I know for certain is that by the time i’m done telling my story u will be moved in one way or another.

At a young age in and out of foster care, juvenile, jail, homeless, addicted to drugs, prison and almost death three separate occasions, you tend to 1. lose all hope and attempt at taking your own life or 2. you roll with the punches, keep hope that this too shall pass, and believe that from every heartache and loss that it is for a bigger reason that hasn’t been revealed to you yet.but u must hold on

My faith has been the only thing that’s kept me going, I am not perfect and there are times that I doubted everything I knew and was taught. My higher power has definitely guided me to this very place… to be heard beyond words.

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Help me to help our kids by reaching out and being the voice for our children’s future, stand united in going forward to our senate and telling them that our children’s futures are nothing to be bargained with, that the very things they are doing now will cripple them as adults. For any parent that has had a child in the juvenile system
you may want to think about the cause and affect of the laws they are trying to change and the different things they are wanted to do. There is nothing available for teens, having no programs or activities that they have access to with or with out money is critical and something that needs to be changed. There isn’t enough mental health specialist available nor. are they trying to put any funding to this cause. They claim teen criminal involvement is rising .. I wonder why.

They blame it on parents yet they don’t give us the means to get the help needed for our teens. they would rather incarcerate them, put them into a system that’s not for them, damaging them more than rehabilitating them. Rather than really be for the people, lawmakers and politicians keep on doing what they want not what we need or even taking our views into consideration. They make their pitch during election season to sound as if they are for making it better but in the end they lie to get them to a position to do the complete opposite. It is straight up insanity, especially at what they keep getting away with.
Most politicians have not gone through anything some of us have giving them no grounds in my opinion to speak on it.

Being educated with a degree and not going through the things some of us have doesnt make u an expert or the right person in most cases to speak on it either. In my experience and many others, people teens especially are more willing to be open with someone that has been through the things they have… its a fact but those of us with records are ostracized from being educators do to our backgrounds. yes there are ways to get to be in the position to be able to obtain a position as such but unless you have money to get your record expunged then your out of luck, especially here in the tri.

I am living proof that no matter how much one changes you have to be liked or know someone that will fight for you to even get the ones you need to see and hear u to do so. There is always brown nosing to get to where you want but that is one thing I will not do, my momma taught me better than that.

Kids get bullied enough growing up why continue to bully them by making it impossible for those who have made bad decisions making pay for it for the rest of their lives. No matter how many times they fall we should be there picking them up not kicking them while they are down. Helping them to avoid uncertain circumstances and outcomes. To teach them how to achieve and accomplish goals. There needs to be ways to rehabilitate not persecute, to heal and set boundries, to be compassionate towards others rather than trying to run others or degrade them.

I am hard headed, stubborn, a realist, i’m honest and loyal to a fault. I still believe in good and I definitely know evil exist. I will not stop trying to make a difference no matter what I got stacked against me. Determination, dedication and love for yourself, the possibilities are endless. I am a walking talking proof of how one can come from the bottom and find your way to the top.. It just depends on what “top’ MEANS TO U. until next time remember our lives do matter as so does our voices!! PEOPLE CAN CHANGE AND WE DEFINITELY CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE

BE ENCOURAGED,

V

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